Un-shaming myself

Shame an emotion that I have run away from often. It’s not one that I enjoy feeling though I do feel it. The shame of my marriage not working out, admitting it feeling it, felt shameful, like I failed at something that was important to me, being made to stand up as a child in class by my Hindi teacher and being pointed out as the worst student in front of my classmates, boy the shame I felt, I wanted to dig a hole in the earth crawl inside and stay there, being thrown out of badminton class cause I kept hitting at the same place, I still remember walking home that day, it was shame, I didn’t even tell my parents, I felt so ashamed, I kinda grew up thinking I was not smart or intelligent

Recently at my brother’s wedding someone said to me, Mana you used to be so thin and athletic, what happened? And there it was, shame, I never have the right answer at such times, when I said I was a healer she said then how is it that you are putting on weight, boy did she touch a belief system of mine there, deep down I feel how can I heal anyone if I can’t lick my own food issues. If I haven’t gotten it how can I help others get it. The shame I feel when as a 44 year old I can’t resist a desert, it’s shame, I wanna say no, I so wanna say no, with all my heart I wanna say no, I wanna be heathy for my kids, for myself, I will myself to say no, when I do manage to say no I feel good, but when I don’t, the shame, o the shame I feel, it’s depressing

In journey we are taught to let emotions flow through us, not stick inside us, in our bodies, so there I was feeling low, then I saw my ass in some of the wedding pics, in the practice video’s for the sangeet which is a wedding function where the boys side and the girls side put up dances like the cousins dance the aunts dance, I looked so big, my daughter, bless her, saw the practice video and said Mama you look big but look how graceful you are, when will I be able to look in the mirror and love this body, this being, this amazing soul, cause until I can love myself truly, the healing can’t begin, so this is my prayer, shame is just an emotion, it’s not as scary an emotion as it used to feel as a kid, I pray that I love all of myself truly my fat my food issues, love the food I eat whether it’s a cake or a green smoothie, that I make the time to sit still and let all of shame have it’s way with me, so be it 🙏 🧡